So, failing that my local Lowe’s has anything for under $32 (yeah, $32 for 100’ of 3/4 160psi tubing), I hoped to find something at Home Depot. Sadly, though much cheaper than Lowe’s they don’t have the 3/4” tubing. They only carry 1/4” and 1/2” sizes.
So…what do I do? Just order one online or go with the 1/2” tubing?
I’m in no position to go waste money on the over-the-counter stuff and I have a full bulb of garlic…so…yeah. Anyone? How did it work? Does it even work?
So, rope boy and I were talking the other day about racism. He was saying how the best way to combat racism isn’t to sweep it under the rug, but to talk about it openly. I totally agree with that. In white suburbia the most common thing to do is just pretend that it doesn’t exist, and we both agreed that the best way to combat that is by talking about it.
But, here’s the problem, at least for me. I’m white. I will never be allowed in a conversation about race because I’m white. I don’t get to have any space in the conversation. It doesn’t matter what I think, how educated about the topic I am, or anything else; I am white and am not allowed. How can I have a conversation about race if I’m not allowed? How can I talk about it if both sides (white culture and POC culture) don’t want me to talk about it?
I said that to him and he just shrugged. There isn’t really a good solution. If I talk about it with POC, then I’m whitesplaning, or erasing, or am generally entering a territory where I’m not wanted because historically I’ve done some fucked up shit (this is aside from the fact that I may not be educated/have the experience to understand everything that is being said to me, no matter how hard I try.) If I talk about it with other white people, then I’m making racism a big deal, or am making everyone uncomfortable, or (in extreme cases) am a race-traitor. So what am I supposed to do if I care and want to talk and learn about it?
There’s the idea that I should just shut-up and listen. Cool, I can do that. I want to hear about what’s going on with you and the problems you face so I can understand better. But if I start caring and want to get involved in activism or the discussion, I’m not allowed. The idea is that I’m supposed to let you solve it. Cool, I get it, and that’s fine too. Go for it, not gonna stop you.
If I talk about it with other white people, who may not be as aware or educated as I am, I’m met with defiance on that end too. I want them to see what’s going on and to care about it too! But because I’m talking about racism, a non-white problem, I get hushed up. Hell, I get hushed up in general about anything controversial while in white culture, but this is doubly true for racism. So, I can’t have a conversation about it with them. And besides which, POC don’t really want me talking to other white people because I’ll probably end up white-washing everything and white people will only care because it’s a white girl talking about it. On top of that, this is yet again a white person trying to solve their problems by making other white people aware. They can do that on their own, why don’t I just back the hell off?
I guess what I’m getting at is, though I’m not entitled to enter POC space, what am I supposed to do? If I care and am aware, am I supposed to just stay quiet and not do anything? How is that any better than being uninformed? Even if I educate myself about the issues, I’ll never really understand because I’ve never experienced it and I wont be allowed in the conversation, so what’s the point in educating myself about it? Why educate myself if all I’m going to do is sit in the corner, frustrated because I can’t say anything, all the while being hyper-aware of the fact that my mere existence is oppressive?
The whole this is, I don’t know what my role as a potential white ally is supposed to be. What am I supposed to do? And if I do nothing, then why am I bothering to educate myself and form opinions? I dunno…:/ I guess I don’t understand enough.
I like to bottom. I like being told what to do. I like to figure out ways to complete challenges given to me by my top. I like being tied up. I like getting bruises. I like knowing that if I don’t do something in the right way, or fast enough, or if I totally fail a challenge, then I will be punished for it and I can see the result. I like knowing that my punishment is in direct relation to my failing to do something, and not just a cruel twist of fate. I like giving control to someone else because I’m always in control for everyone else.
Is that wrong? Is there a wrong way to feel about bottoming? It’s just such a comfort. To not have to think for five people. To not have to please anyone but my top (and sometimes myself.) To watch earned bruises heal, knowing that it’s okay to hurt and to see that hurt manifested. To not be in control but still be in control. To be rewarded for good behaviour. To feel good enough. To feel safe. To be denied privileges and have to earn them. To just vocalize my immediate pain. To let out a mighty yawp as the implement of pain comes down to hurt me. To travel somewhere else outside my thoughts and worries. To come back down and feel safe. To be permitted to do things that I would otherwise deny myself in everyday life. To let go.
That’s what I think about when I think about bottoming. Is that wrong? Am I using this in the wrong way?
Now to sort out my birth control options. Which would be better: Mirena or the Nuvaring? I just want my cramps to subside (I mean, other than be protected) but I heard stories that Mirena makes cramping worse. Anyone have any info?
Am I being biphobic if I don’t understand this? Is wrong of me to be upset that he now is attracted to boys, given our past relationship? I’m trying to be understanding, and it’s okay and I’m glad he’s doing what he wants, but it hurts a lot. Especially that ‘I love you but’ tag that was attached to it.
Rawr…overthinking
