It's me, Amy Marie!
23 and facing the harsh world. Biromantic, demisexual, cisgendered, fat, witchy, feminist female, future psychologist, of a Liberal but not always enlightened variety. I post political things, personal things, nerdy things, and anything in-between.
 
 
 

Questions of why and bottoming

I like to bottom. I like being told what to do. I like to figure out ways to complete challenges given to me by my top. I like being tied up. I like getting bruises. I like knowing that if I don’t do something in the right way, or fast enough, or if I totally fail a challenge, then I will be punished for it and I can see the result. I like knowing that my punishment is in direct relation to my failing to do something, and not just a cruel twist of fate. I like giving control to someone else because I’m always in control for everyone else.

Is that wrong? Is there a wrong way to feel about bottoming? It’s just such a comfort. To not have to think for five people. To not have to please anyone but my top (and sometimes myself.) To watch earned bruises heal, knowing that it’s okay to hurt and to see that hurt manifested. To not be in control but still be in control. To be rewarded for good behaviour. To feel good enough. To feel safe. To be denied privileges and have to earn them. To just vocalize my immediate pain. To let out a mighty yawp as the implement of pain comes down to hurt me. To travel somewhere else outside my thoughts and worries. To come back down and feel safe. To be permitted to do things that I would otherwise deny myself in everyday life. To let go.

That’s what I think about when I think about bottoming. Is that wrong? Am I using this in the wrong way?

 
 
As the relationship becomes more enmeshed, as that percentage grows, the emotional abuse against our right to impact can be increasingly blatant. Abuses against our right to feel can make it very clear that our needs are not important, that we are not important, which creates a sense of invisibility. A lack of impact. One openly hostile variation on this is to pretend that someone does not exist: “Did you hear something? I could have sworn there was someone talking to me, but there’s nobody here!” A less obvious method is to use avoidance tactics in conversation: to misinterpret or pick away at small details in an argument, refusing to hear what the other person is actually communicating; to turn an accusation around on the other person; or to bring up something unrelated that they have done wrong.

Facing Abuse- Emotional Abuse

All of this. This happened to me and I didn’t know it was wrong. And it hurts me more to know that there are people out there right now who are in the same situation I was in, and that they don’t know that it’s wrong and they deserve better.

 
 
Heartless Bitches: Emotional Abusers

This. All of this. When I read it, I kept hearing my abusers voice in my head saying all those negative things. He employed so many of those tactics with me and somedays I feel so down the rabbit hole that I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like.

 
 

Two more pain killers

Up to a total of four. Please let me die…

I just want to die…

 
 
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