bluebelltheglowingcat:

I am polyamorous. I am into BDSM.

Sometimes I feel so alienated from these groups because it seems like sexuality is so emphasized within them.

I am a panromantic asexual.

It’s… uncomfortable when so many people focus primarily on the sexual side of polyamory or BDSM and cut out the nonsexual aspects like they’re not as important. I’m always hearing “be free with your sexuality” and to do whatever I want sexually, but that’s not what interests me.

I can be kinky without it being sexual.  I can love more than one person, without that being a sexual love. … And sometimes people don’t understand that, and make it their mission me feel horrid.

^^THIS

That’s exactly how I feel about how I identify. I don’t care either way about sex. I have a hard enough time being in my body as it is.

(Source: sourwolfandlittlered)

Questions of why and bottoming

I like to bottom. I like being told what to do. I like to figure out ways to complete challenges given to me by my top. I like being tied up. I like getting bruises. I like knowing that if I don’t do something in the right way, or fast enough, or if I totally fail a challenge, then I will be punished for it and I can see the result. I like knowing that my punishment is in direct relation to my failing to do something, and not just a cruel twist of fate. I like giving control to someone else because I’m always in control for everyone else.

Is that wrong? Is there a wrong way to feel about bottoming? It’s just such a comfort. To not have to think for five people. To not have to please anyone but my top (and sometimes myself.) To watch earned bruises heal, knowing that it’s okay to hurt and to see that hurt manifested. To not be in control but still be in control. To be rewarded for good behaviour. To feel good enough. To feel safe. To be denied privileges and have to earn them. To just vocalize my immediate pain. To let out a mighty yawp as the implement of pain comes down to hurt me. To travel somewhere else outside my thoughts and worries. To come back down and feel safe. To be permitted to do things that I would otherwise deny myself in everyday life. To let go.

That’s what I think about when I think about bottoming. Is that wrong? Am I using this in the wrong way?

Dear Gods of BDSM

You are amazing! Like forever amazing. Thank you for blessing me with two very hot, rope bondage doing, tops. I am trying to keep my excitement to a minimum, trying not to get overwhelmed with happiness, but you are providing me with wonderful opportunities too amazing to NOT get excited about.

Thank you for allowing me safe entry back into a sexy world. Thank you for the Center. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to scene within the next week. Thank you for your amazing gifts.

Forever and ever, and no safewording.

Why did I think that going to the center was a good idea? Hell, I need extensive and exhaustive care after vanilla sex, why would kink play be any different? Not that anything actually happened last night, but just being in the space was enough and there were few good doms around to realize that maybe I need some love and attention too…even if I didn’t get beat up. So now I feel sad and uncared for. Theme for the day…

Something else that bothers me

Where are all the normal/large sized girls in BDSM? I swear all I see are small girls, and it kind of is starting to get to me. Mostly because I compare myself to all of them, and I can’t help it. The idea in my head is that I will never find a Dom because I’m a large sub. It’s really stupid, but I’d like to see some freaking large girls who look like me in BDSM porn. Oh, and if they could not be fetishized as BBW’s that would be cool too, because I’m a large girl but I do not classify as a BBW…just a large girl.

Realize you hold your pen between your teeth

Think about psych study showing it’s impossible to be sad while doing anything with a pen between your teeth.

I wonder if this works in the context of BDSM too. If I hold a bit between my teeth, will I feel less pain because I’m smiling and endorphins and stuff?

TO SCIENCE!

That enlightening moment when you realize that Britney Spear’s ‘Hit Me Baby’ is actually about abuse

Either that or a veiled allusion to BDSM or something

Mind…blown…